i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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