member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
