Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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