It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
