Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
