Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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