I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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