but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
