I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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