I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
