every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
