one two three fourrrrnication!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
