Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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