Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
