when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
