he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
