i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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