it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
