toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
