I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
