I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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