Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
