you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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