My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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