I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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