Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
