I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
