I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
