He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
