I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
