i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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