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Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
