He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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