The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
