soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize