i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
