he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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