I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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