Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
