you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
