I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
