you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
