You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
