Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
