i need an iv and a liver transplant
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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