whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
