Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
