My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize