My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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