He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
