so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
