As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
