My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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