Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
