you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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