& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
