why do cheetos always look like penises
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
