There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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