I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
