If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I party with great urgency now.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
