Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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