I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
