There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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